No title

I'm feel like I'm on the edge of my life.
It's cold. Dark.

The voices in my head keeps telling me to turn around, but why? For what?
What do I have to come back to? Dissapointment, fear, being abandoned, being overlooked? What person with their head on straight would go back to nothing?

Have I even moved forward this year? One step forwards, but two steps backward.

The voices again. They're inside of me. Deep down. I cannot hear them, but still I know what they say. It's not words, it's only sounds. It's sounds of despair and fear.
I don't know what to be afraid of, yet still I am.

Alone. The feeling of being alone eats me alive. It's taking huge chunks of me each time I have a moment by my self. There can't be much left now. The only thing that keeps me sane, is my music. The words so perfectly spoken.

I can hear him singing; "everything 'll be alright". I doubt it. How can I ever be fixed? All that has happened will forever be remembered. By me. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm emotionless. I'm emty. I can no longer feel what I used to. I don't know what love is. I thought I did, but it was shattered, like a glass falling to concrete. A thousand pieces. With it, my heart, whatever I had left of my selfrespect, my confidence, my life. A thousand pieces.

It'll all work out somehow. At least that's what I keep telling myself. But I'm not that sure anymore. For each day that passes, I'm getting more and more unsure about it. I'm starting to loose the faith in myself.

The feeling of fear and dispair is no longer bearable my me. I can't take more of this. I have to find a way to end it. I don't know how, I just know it will need to happen soon. Very soon.

I need to get out of this place. Away. Far away. To a place where noone knows me. Where I can have a fresh start. A new life. Hopefully a better life.
Though I know all the thoughts and feeling will follow me, so whats the point? Will it even do me any good? Will it help at all? Would I manage to get new friends? A new life? A fresh start. Maybe.

I'm hearing the voices again. Talking about you. I don't know who you are, but you're in my head. You're everywhere I look. I cannot see your face, nor your body. You're just a shadow in the dark. Theres a light. A white light. Maybe it's a good thing? Maybe it's a trap. Another dark hole for me to fall in. To get even further down in the dirt. 6 feet under. Maybe it would be for the best if I'd just gone away. Forever. Dissapeared. For noone to ever find me again.

What's done is done - I know, but why did it happen in the first place? Why me? Why is it always me? If there really is a God up there, deciding our faiths, he must be really bored not to find another guy to torture. What did I ever do to deserve this?

I'm tired.
Tired of trying to fit in - I never do anyway.
Tired of trying to make others feel good. Who am I go advice when I can't even get my own life on track?
Tired of trying to make myself feel better.
Maybe I'm not ment for this world. Maybe I'm supposed to be another place. Another time. Another world.

Faith is a wierd thing. It can make you feel good, and in a split second, it can bring you to tears. I've cried. Alot. Over the years I've started to learn how to deal with it. I don't cry that much anymore. I just feel sad. All the time.
Whenever I go out, I put on a fake smile, and pretend everything is OK. It's not.

There's a commercial going on TV at the moment, where theres one guy talking to another about random stuff, while his t-shirt is saying: "I don't know anyone with mental problems." The other guys t-shirt sais: "Yes, you do."
Then at the end theres a phonenumber and an URL where you can get tips for talking to people with mental problems. How to start a conversation. Whe signs of problems. Hints of a person being suicidal.

I don't see myself as suicidal. Yet. Though I must admit, I've tried before. More than once. I don't like thinking about that. It's just another dark chapter of my life.

There's a lot of dark chapters in my life. My childhood is forgotten, only glimts of the past get to me sometimes. It scares me. I'm going insane.

The song "Still here" plays. You're not here. I'm alone. I'm cold. I'm lonely. I'm desperate. The voices get stronger. The sounds are becoming words. Yet they are too weak to be recognised.

I'm going to sleep. I'm going to dream. Maybe about a better future. A future that holds ~you~.