Sunday 26 October 2008
Stars.
I look up at the stars above. Maybe so are you?
They look down at me, twinkling, as if they're saying: "Hold on, dear, things'll change.".
Maybe thing will change...someday.
No matter what, you give me strength to get up in the morning. You keep me going for another day.
The moon is bright tonight. It's lighting up my dark path. So are you. You are the sunshine of my life. You make me forget all the bad things in life, and just see the positive, and the most positive thing in my life, is you.
I look at the stars with a glimt of hope in my eyes. I can see a future when I look at you. You're my star. You're my everything. You do really make me want to continiue for another day, just to see what it'll bring. You make me want to try again, even though I don't know any reason why.
The dark falls. The clouds come in, covering the skies. I can no longer see the stars. The glimt of hope I had, fades away.
My path is again dark, cold and lonely. I try to remember you, but it's like trying to picture someone you've never seen.
I look at the skies, thinking what heaven is like. Maybe, you're there. In a way I hope you're not. You've got a life to live, you've got people to take care of.
I wonder what happens when you die. Is there a heaven? Is there a Nirvana?
I don't know. I can only hope death brings peace.
Silence. Dark. Cold. Emtyness. It's all common words for me. Words to describe me and my path in life.
Where did I go wrong?
I wonder what'd happen if I didn't seek help earlier. Would I have put myself out of this misery before? Would I have ever met you?
I doubt it.
I think alot about death. White lights. They seem too far away. There's a saying going something like "Good things are worth fighting for."
I've fought. I think I'm loosing this battle. The battle for life. The battle for love.
It's a neverending fight. It'll go on forever.
Then I come to think about you.
You make me keep going for another day.
You make me want to continiue. < 3
They look down at me, twinkling, as if they're saying: "Hold on, dear, things'll change.".
Maybe thing will change...someday.
No matter what, you give me strength to get up in the morning. You keep me going for another day.
The moon is bright tonight. It's lighting up my dark path. So are you. You are the sunshine of my life. You make me forget all the bad things in life, and just see the positive, and the most positive thing in my life, is you.
I look at the stars with a glimt of hope in my eyes. I can see a future when I look at you. You're my star. You're my everything. You do really make me want to continiue for another day, just to see what it'll bring. You make me want to try again, even though I don't know any reason why.
The dark falls. The clouds come in, covering the skies. I can no longer see the stars. The glimt of hope I had, fades away.
My path is again dark, cold and lonely. I try to remember you, but it's like trying to picture someone you've never seen.
I look at the skies, thinking what heaven is like. Maybe, you're there. In a way I hope you're not. You've got a life to live, you've got people to take care of.
I wonder what happens when you die. Is there a heaven? Is there a Nirvana?
I don't know. I can only hope death brings peace.
Silence. Dark. Cold. Emtyness. It's all common words for me. Words to describe me and my path in life.
Where did I go wrong?
I wonder what'd happen if I didn't seek help earlier. Would I have put myself out of this misery before? Would I have ever met you?
I doubt it.
I think alot about death. White lights. They seem too far away. There's a saying going something like "Good things are worth fighting for."
I've fought. I think I'm loosing this battle. The battle for life. The battle for love.
It's a neverending fight. It'll go on forever.
Then I come to think about you.
You make me keep going for another day.
You make me want to continiue. < 3
My best friend <3
This is Vilde. She's the most beautiful girl you could ever meet.
She's done more for me than anyone ever has.
There aint enough words in the world to describe how good of a girl you are, so incredible kind < 3
I've written about you before as well, here. < 3
For all of those who have yet to see how she looks; look no more.
She's done more for me than anyone ever has.
There aint enough words in the world to describe how good of a girl you are, so incredible kind < 3
I've written about you before as well, here. < 3
For all of those who have yet to see how she looks; look no more.
Wednesday 22 October 2008
Tuesday 21 October 2008
Poem I came over, surfing the internet
I remember when we kissed
I still feel it on my lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing
I remember those simple things
I remember 'till I cry
But the one thing I wish I'd forget
The memory I wanna forget
is goodbye.
I still feel it on my lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing
I remember those simple things
I remember 'till I cry
But the one thing I wish I'd forget
The memory I wanna forget
is goodbye.
Saturday 18 October 2008
I wish for a better day.
I really have no ide of how to continue.
The second coming of Jesus seems to have a better chance of happening, rather than me having a somewhat decent life.
The only things I look forward to, seems to always be crushed, like an ant under a boot.
There's nothing in my life - I really, really like. I live in the hope of another good moment, in the dream of a better life, if I just hang on a bit longer.
I've hung on for a long time now. It's getting too much for me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.
Am I going to live on, seeking that one moment, where everything changes to something better?
I think not.
Am I going to give up?
Maybe. For the time being, it's a good chance that's the choice I'll make.
Am I going to pray? No. I don't believe there's a God. Or multiple for all that matters. I don't thin someone would let someone feel like this, without giving a sign that things 'll work out in the end.
I've had no signs, whatsoever. There's been nothing to make me think that my life isn't peaked. I'm starting to think it is. I've had my moment in the sun. Now it's time for me to go away.
I'm afraid. Afraid of being alone the rest of my life. Yes, I might get friends at some point. But when? Will I ever be someone, someone can love? Will that someone ever show up, or will she stand forward, only when it's too late?
Time is running out, dear, please, save me!
The second coming of Jesus seems to have a better chance of happening, rather than me having a somewhat decent life.
The only things I look forward to, seems to always be crushed, like an ant under a boot.
There's nothing in my life - I really, really like. I live in the hope of another good moment, in the dream of a better life, if I just hang on a bit longer.
I've hung on for a long time now. It's getting too much for me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.
Am I going to live on, seeking that one moment, where everything changes to something better?
I think not.
Am I going to give up?
Maybe. For the time being, it's a good chance that's the choice I'll make.
Am I going to pray? No. I don't believe there's a God. Or multiple for all that matters. I don't thin someone would let someone feel like this, without giving a sign that things 'll work out in the end.
I've had no signs, whatsoever. There's been nothing to make me think that my life isn't peaked. I'm starting to think it is. I've had my moment in the sun. Now it's time for me to go away.
I'm afraid. Afraid of being alone the rest of my life. Yes, I might get friends at some point. But when? Will I ever be someone, someone can love? Will that someone ever show up, or will she stand forward, only when it's too late?
Time is running out, dear, please, save me!
You're the reason
Because of you, I've been able to live for another month.
Things seemed too good to be true, and they were.
Now, I'm back to the same emtyness, the darkness, the same old thoughts.
The same old road.
I've had a smile on, for the past two weeks, but now it all seems to have been in vain.
All the happy thoughts, I for once had, seems to not even matter, at least it doesn't show.
Never before have I met someone like you. You really catched my attention.
I really did like you. I really did care for you. I really wanted to see you. Hold you. Be there for you.
I know I cannot do all those things anymore. You've got your own stuff, and appereantly I've got enough trying to keep myself on my own two feet.
Is there really nothing I can do? If there's any way, in a million to one chance, tell me, I will give it one last shot !
Maybe I should stop looking forward to stuff. They never seem to happen anyway.
Maybe I should stop starting to care for people. They always betray me anyway.
Maybe I should stop looking out for too many people. It's a neverending job anyway.
< / 3 ...I'm so sorry, love
Things seemed too good to be true, and they were.
Now, I'm back to the same emtyness, the darkness, the same old thoughts.
The same old road.
I've had a smile on, for the past two weeks, but now it all seems to have been in vain.
All the happy thoughts, I for once had, seems to not even matter, at least it doesn't show.
Never before have I met someone like you. You really catched my attention.
I really did like you. I really did care for you. I really wanted to see you. Hold you. Be there for you.
I know I cannot do all those things anymore. You've got your own stuff, and appereantly I've got enough trying to keep myself on my own two feet.
Is there really nothing I can do? If there's any way, in a million to one chance, tell me, I will give it one last shot !
Maybe I should stop looking forward to stuff. They never seem to happen anyway.
Maybe I should stop starting to care for people. They always betray me anyway.
Maybe I should stop looking out for too many people. It's a neverending job anyway.
< / 3 ...I'm so sorry, love
Tuesday 14 October 2008
Without you.
I'm lost. In the wilderness of something I never knew.
I can't see ahead, there's nothing to look back at. I'm walking in a circle. I see old footsteps appear.
I'm on the same path as before. At what right did I go left? I keep walking, but there's never an end. I'll never reach the goal. Others are passing by me. I'm stuck here. I hope you all enjoy your bright future! I don't know what I'm walking towards. I have no idea whats up ahead. Maybe there's light? Perhaps not.
The ocean is heard, far away. The waves crashing on the beach - much like my thoughts crash in my head. There's never an end - they'll forever keep coming. I'll never recover. All that has happened, will forever be stuck in me. There hasn't till now been one day I haven't cried. Maybe not in tears, but inside.
Maybe I'm not made for this earth? Do we all have a predecided faith? Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Or is it all random?
I believe it's a somewhat combination of both. Some things, like when we're born, when and how we die, that special someone, how and when we meet, things of that nature is decided by faith, but that you can change the future - with random things happening.
Other things, like if I'm going to eat that hamburger tomorrow, and decided by me.
Or do I decide my own faith? Do I change my future by grabbing a smoke now, instead of in 10 minutes? Is that all it takes?
Maybe it's all a decided sequence of moments, bound to happen. One by one, in the right order. How do I skip to the next moment? Please give me a >>| button!
What if X did Y, at 15:48. If X did Y at 15:39, would Z be Q? (the letter X represent a person, and Y, Z and Q represent actions or feelings - whatever makes sense to you.)
I want to sit down. I want to give up. There's nothing else for me in this life. There's no path for me. I've got nowhere to go, nowhere to be. Nowhere am I needed.
Then you came along. You lead me in the right direction, and I hope you'll follow me there. <3 Without you, I'd be lost on a dusty, ol' road, walking in the same footsteps once again - with nowhere to go.
I can't see ahead, there's nothing to look back at. I'm walking in a circle. I see old footsteps appear.
I'm on the same path as before. At what right did I go left? I keep walking, but there's never an end. I'll never reach the goal. Others are passing by me. I'm stuck here. I hope you all enjoy your bright future! I don't know what I'm walking towards. I have no idea whats up ahead. Maybe there's light? Perhaps not.
The ocean is heard, far away. The waves crashing on the beach - much like my thoughts crash in my head. There's never an end - they'll forever keep coming. I'll never recover. All that has happened, will forever be stuck in me. There hasn't till now been one day I haven't cried. Maybe not in tears, but inside.
Maybe I'm not made for this earth? Do we all have a predecided faith? Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Or is it all random?
I believe it's a somewhat combination of both. Some things, like when we're born, when and how we die, that special someone, how and when we meet, things of that nature is decided by faith, but that you can change the future - with random things happening.
Other things, like if I'm going to eat that hamburger tomorrow, and decided by me.
Or do I decide my own faith? Do I change my future by grabbing a smoke now, instead of in 10 minutes? Is that all it takes?
Maybe it's all a decided sequence of moments, bound to happen. One by one, in the right order. How do I skip to the next moment? Please give me a >>| button!
What if X did Y, at 15:48. If X did Y at 15:39, would Z be Q? (the letter X represent a person, and Y, Z and Q represent actions or feelings - whatever makes sense to you.)
I want to sit down. I want to give up. There's nothing else for me in this life. There's no path for me. I've got nowhere to go, nowhere to be. Nowhere am I needed.
Then you came along. You lead me in the right direction, and I hope you'll follow me there. <3 Without you, I'd be lost on a dusty, ol' road, walking in the same footsteps once again - with nowhere to go.
Monday 13 October 2008
Next time
It'll be better this time. I hope.
I'm looking very much forward to being with you. It'll be nice getting to be with someone for a change. Having a friend - at last.
You're my best friend - no doubt about it ! You've been there for me as noone ever has from the day I met you, and you've always had a way to make me smile - even when I was crying.
Though you're not actually there with me, you've made my mind think you are. You've comforted me in a way I never thought possible!
You're the best person I've ever met, with such a great, kind and warm personality. You've taken me in from the cold, dark, outside. You've patched me up to be a somewhat functional guy again.
I can never thank you enough for all that you've done for me. I don't know how to repay you!
All I can do, is say that I'll forever be there for you, if you ever need someone to talk to, to hold you and wipe your tears from your cheek.
There's nothing I wouldn't do for you!
I won't hide that I've got feelings for you, and you know it. I know you're taken, and I respect that. All I can do is hope that he'll do the right thing this time, and treat you right, and make you the best you can be !
Theres so much I want to say, I want the whole world to know how great of a girl you are - but I can't find the words. You're just....indescribable! I can never thank you enough for the things you've done, but I hope this weekend, I can at least repay you a little bit, and show you a bit more of who I am, and hopefully, I can show you a good time with all my dry jokes :) (<- first smileyface ever posted on this blog - that sais alot about this girl ! She's amazing! )
I love you - for now, only as a friend, but I have a dream that one day, that'll change <3
I'm looking very much forward to being with you. It'll be nice getting to be with someone for a change. Having a friend - at last.
You're my best friend - no doubt about it ! You've been there for me as noone ever has from the day I met you, and you've always had a way to make me smile - even when I was crying.
Though you're not actually there with me, you've made my mind think you are. You've comforted me in a way I never thought possible!
You're the best person I've ever met, with such a great, kind and warm personality. You've taken me in from the cold, dark, outside. You've patched me up to be a somewhat functional guy again.
I can never thank you enough for all that you've done for me. I don't know how to repay you!
All I can do, is say that I'll forever be there for you, if you ever need someone to talk to, to hold you and wipe your tears from your cheek.
There's nothing I wouldn't do for you!
I won't hide that I've got feelings for you, and you know it. I know you're taken, and I respect that. All I can do is hope that he'll do the right thing this time, and treat you right, and make you the best you can be !
Theres so much I want to say, I want the whole world to know how great of a girl you are - but I can't find the words. You're just....indescribable! I can never thank you enough for the things you've done, but I hope this weekend, I can at least repay you a little bit, and show you a bit more of who I am, and hopefully, I can show you a good time with all my dry jokes :) (<- first smileyface ever posted on this blog - that sais alot about this girl ! She's amazing! )
I love you - for now, only as a friend, but I have a dream that one day, that'll change <3
Saturday 11 October 2008
All alone.
Alone. Again. The night falls. It's getting darker. So am I.
I feel emty inside. It's like a vacant shell. A hollow place, where only sorrow and pain feels home.
I feel so God damn lonely. There's noone to wipe my tears. Noone to hold me when I cry. Noone to comfort me.
There's some, of course. But they're all far away. There was one. I really liked you. Though you're taken. I can only hope he makes you all you can be. That he'll take good care of you. If he doesn't see what a perfekt, amazing girl he's got, he shouldn't be allowed to be with you. You deserve only the best, nothing less.
I'm alone. The only light, is the light of my monitor. I've started to adapt living in darkness. The dark and death doesn't scare me anymore. I'm no longer afraid to die.
I welcome you, Grim Reaper. Let's see how tough you really are. Do your worst! Nothing you do can measure up against what I've lived trough.
They say "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." They lied.
What was supposed to kill me, didn't make me stronger at all. It made me more isolated, feeling even more alone.
I'm going to try and shut out everything that could possibly hurt soon. I couldn't take more of this.
"Pain is temporary - glory is eternal". It's all lies. Pain is forever. It never fades.
Though I feel like I'll fade soon. Very soon.
6 feet under. With nowhere to go but the grave, you start feeling like there's nothing left that could bring you up. I guess there is, but I have yet to find it.
I'll probably never do...
I feel emty inside. It's like a vacant shell. A hollow place, where only sorrow and pain feels home.
I feel so God damn lonely. There's noone to wipe my tears. Noone to hold me when I cry. Noone to comfort me.
There's some, of course. But they're all far away. There was one. I really liked you. Though you're taken. I can only hope he makes you all you can be. That he'll take good care of you. If he doesn't see what a perfekt, amazing girl he's got, he shouldn't be allowed to be with you. You deserve only the best, nothing less.
I'm alone. The only light, is the light of my monitor. I've started to adapt living in darkness. The dark and death doesn't scare me anymore. I'm no longer afraid to die.
I welcome you, Grim Reaper. Let's see how tough you really are. Do your worst! Nothing you do can measure up against what I've lived trough.
They say "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." They lied.
What was supposed to kill me, didn't make me stronger at all. It made me more isolated, feeling even more alone.
I'm going to try and shut out everything that could possibly hurt soon. I couldn't take more of this.
"Pain is temporary - glory is eternal". It's all lies. Pain is forever. It never fades.
Though I feel like I'll fade soon. Very soon.
6 feet under. With nowhere to go but the grave, you start feeling like there's nothing left that could bring you up. I guess there is, but I have yet to find it.
I'll probably never do...
M'm...
Deep down, I think I knew it'd turn out this way.
Getting my hopes up, finally get to meet someone new, maybe even a new friend?
But no. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.
Maybe for the best. I'd probably ruin it anyway - by doing or saying something stupid. Something I shouldn't have said or done. I'm getting used to being stood up now. I'm turning somewhat immune against it.
It doesn't hurt as much now. Alcohol soothes it. Vodka can make everything all better.
I'm drinking to forget. To not realize how deep the hole I am in, is.
To not see how alone I really am.
I'm talking to myself. Alot. It's better that way. I'm mostly getting the answers I want, but still, it's possible to have an arguement with myself.
I don't know what more to write. I'm out of thoughts. There's nothing more to say. I'm gonna have a drink now. Going to forget everything. If I'm lucky, I'll never wake up in the morning. That would be best for everyone.
Getting my hopes up, finally get to meet someone new, maybe even a new friend?
But no. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.
Maybe for the best. I'd probably ruin it anyway - by doing or saying something stupid. Something I shouldn't have said or done. I'm getting used to being stood up now. I'm turning somewhat immune against it.
It doesn't hurt as much now. Alcohol soothes it. Vodka can make everything all better.
I'm drinking to forget. To not realize how deep the hole I am in, is.
To not see how alone I really am.
I'm talking to myself. Alot. It's better that way. I'm mostly getting the answers I want, but still, it's possible to have an arguement with myself.
I don't know what more to write. I'm out of thoughts. There's nothing more to say. I'm gonna have a drink now. Going to forget everything. If I'm lucky, I'll never wake up in the morning. That would be best for everyone.
Friday 10 October 2008
Thursday 9 October 2008
I wanna
I wanna run away.
To a place where no one knows me. Knows my past. Knows my history. Knows my pain.
A place where I can finally start living. Start believing. Start my new life.
Can you make my pain go away? Please! I cannot take this anymore.
It's too much for me to bear. Whatever's left of my strength will expire soon. Very soon.
Please - make my thoughts go away. They're getting to me - more and more each day.
If I didn't know it was physically impossible - I'd think it would explode!
I've got my music. It keeps me sane - for now.
"everything 'll be OK". I'm not so sure. The signs are all there. I'll screw everything up again. As always. The future doesn't stand a chance against me. I'm like a wrecking-machine ! Crush everyone and everything on my path towards selfdestruction.
I've been thinking alot today.
I want to go to a deserted island. Like the one in the movie Cast Away, starring Tom Hanks.
Just me and my leatherman. I could live forever.
There I couldn't hurt anyone but myself.
Maybe I'd finally be happy there? Alone - but incapable of doing any harm to anyone. Not needing to think about needing to work. Trying to please everyone.
That might be better.
I think i need a week off from work. Go to my parents cabin. Be alone for a couple days. Just me and the woods. Think about stuff, without being interrupted by anything. Turn off my cellphone, turn off my computer, and just be alone with myself for a while.
To a place where no one knows me. Knows my past. Knows my history. Knows my pain.
A place where I can finally start living. Start believing. Start my new life.
Can you make my pain go away? Please! I cannot take this anymore.
It's too much for me to bear. Whatever's left of my strength will expire soon. Very soon.
Please - make my thoughts go away. They're getting to me - more and more each day.
If I didn't know it was physically impossible - I'd think it would explode!
I've got my music. It keeps me sane - for now.
"everything 'll be OK". I'm not so sure. The signs are all there. I'll screw everything up again. As always. The future doesn't stand a chance against me. I'm like a wrecking-machine ! Crush everyone and everything on my path towards selfdestruction.
I've been thinking alot today.
I want to go to a deserted island. Like the one in the movie Cast Away, starring Tom Hanks.
Just me and my leatherman. I could live forever.
There I couldn't hurt anyone but myself.
Maybe I'd finally be happy there? Alone - but incapable of doing any harm to anyone. Not needing to think about needing to work. Trying to please everyone.
That might be better.
I think i need a week off from work. Go to my parents cabin. Be alone for a couple days. Just me and the woods. Think about stuff, without being interrupted by anything. Turn off my cellphone, turn off my computer, and just be alone with myself for a while.
Wednesday 8 October 2008
How?
How can you treat her like that? Why wouldn't you want to be with her every waking moment? Why won't you answer her? Why won't you tell her how you really feel?
How can you do this to such a wonderful girl?
I don't even know you, yet I'm pissed at you. She's my best girl, and you treat her like shit. Straighen up, boy !
Even though I havn't known her for long, I see the love in her eyes, all the hope, the life. She is yours, but not for long, if you don't get your act together. Love her like she deserves !
You've been there for me every night the past week, if we haven't spoken, I've thought about you, and all your kind words, all that you've done for me - it's more than I'd ever thought anyone cared !
Thank you, I don't know what I'd do without you <3
How can you do this to such a wonderful girl?
I don't even know you, yet I'm pissed at you. She's my best girl, and you treat her like shit. Straighen up, boy !
Even though I havn't known her for long, I see the love in her eyes, all the hope, the life. She is yours, but not for long, if you don't get your act together. Love her like she deserves !
You've been there for me every night the past week, if we haven't spoken, I've thought about you, and all your kind words, all that you've done for me - it's more than I'd ever thought anyone cared !
Thank you, I don't know what I'd do without you <3
No title
I'm feel like I'm on the edge of my life.
It's cold. Dark.
The voices in my head keeps telling me to turn around, but why? For what?
What do I have to come back to? Dissapointment, fear, being abandoned, being overlooked? What person with their head on straight would go back to nothing?
Have I even moved forward this year? One step forwards, but two steps backward.
The voices again. They're inside of me. Deep down. I cannot hear them, but still I know what they say. It's not words, it's only sounds. It's sounds of despair and fear.
I don't know what to be afraid of, yet still I am.
Alone. The feeling of being alone eats me alive. It's taking huge chunks of me each time I have a moment by my self. There can't be much left now. The only thing that keeps me sane, is my music. The words so perfectly spoken.
I can hear him singing; "everything 'll be alright". I doubt it. How can I ever be fixed? All that has happened will forever be remembered. By me. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm emotionless. I'm emty. I can no longer feel what I used to. I don't know what love is. I thought I did, but it was shattered, like a glass falling to concrete. A thousand pieces. With it, my heart, whatever I had left of my selfrespect, my confidence, my life. A thousand pieces.
It'll all work out somehow. At least that's what I keep telling myself. But I'm not that sure anymore. For each day that passes, I'm getting more and more unsure about it. I'm starting to loose the faith in myself.
The feeling of fear and dispair is no longer bearable my me. I can't take more of this. I have to find a way to end it. I don't know how, I just know it will need to happen soon. Very soon.
I need to get out of this place. Away. Far away. To a place where noone knows me. Where I can have a fresh start. A new life. Hopefully a better life.
Though I know all the thoughts and feeling will follow me, so whats the point? Will it even do me any good? Will it help at all? Would I manage to get new friends? A new life? A fresh start. Maybe.
I'm hearing the voices again. Talking about you. I don't know who you are, but you're in my head. You're everywhere I look. I cannot see your face, nor your body. You're just a shadow in the dark. Theres a light. A white light. Maybe it's a good thing? Maybe it's a trap. Another dark hole for me to fall in. To get even further down in the dirt. 6 feet under. Maybe it would be for the best if I'd just gone away. Forever. Dissapeared. For noone to ever find me again.
What's done is done - I know, but why did it happen in the first place? Why me? Why is it always me? If there really is a God up there, deciding our faiths, he must be really bored not to find another guy to torture. What did I ever do to deserve this?
I'm tired.
Tired of trying to fit in - I never do anyway.
Tired of trying to make others feel good. Who am I go advice when I can't even get my own life on track?
Tired of trying to make myself feel better.
Maybe I'm not ment for this world. Maybe I'm supposed to be another place. Another time. Another world.
Faith is a wierd thing. It can make you feel good, and in a split second, it can bring you to tears. I've cried. Alot. Over the years I've started to learn how to deal with it. I don't cry that much anymore. I just feel sad. All the time.
Whenever I go out, I put on a fake smile, and pretend everything is OK. It's not.
There's a commercial going on TV at the moment, where theres one guy talking to another about random stuff, while his t-shirt is saying: "I don't know anyone with mental problems." The other guys t-shirt sais: "Yes, you do."
Then at the end theres a phonenumber and an URL where you can get tips for talking to people with mental problems. How to start a conversation. Whe signs of problems. Hints of a person being suicidal.
I don't see myself as suicidal. Yet. Though I must admit, I've tried before. More than once. I don't like thinking about that. It's just another dark chapter of my life.
There's a lot of dark chapters in my life. My childhood is forgotten, only glimts of the past get to me sometimes. It scares me. I'm going insane.
The song "Still here" plays. You're not here. I'm alone. I'm cold. I'm lonely. I'm desperate. The voices get stronger. The sounds are becoming words. Yet they are too weak to be recognised.
I'm going to sleep. I'm going to dream. Maybe about a better future. A future that holds ~you~.
It's cold. Dark.
The voices in my head keeps telling me to turn around, but why? For what?
What do I have to come back to? Dissapointment, fear, being abandoned, being overlooked? What person with their head on straight would go back to nothing?
Have I even moved forward this year? One step forwards, but two steps backward.
The voices again. They're inside of me. Deep down. I cannot hear them, but still I know what they say. It's not words, it's only sounds. It's sounds of despair and fear.
I don't know what to be afraid of, yet still I am.
Alone. The feeling of being alone eats me alive. It's taking huge chunks of me each time I have a moment by my self. There can't be much left now. The only thing that keeps me sane, is my music. The words so perfectly spoken.
I can hear him singing; "everything 'll be alright". I doubt it. How can I ever be fixed? All that has happened will forever be remembered. By me. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm emotionless. I'm emty. I can no longer feel what I used to. I don't know what love is. I thought I did, but it was shattered, like a glass falling to concrete. A thousand pieces. With it, my heart, whatever I had left of my selfrespect, my confidence, my life. A thousand pieces.
It'll all work out somehow. At least that's what I keep telling myself. But I'm not that sure anymore. For each day that passes, I'm getting more and more unsure about it. I'm starting to loose the faith in myself.
The feeling of fear and dispair is no longer bearable my me. I can't take more of this. I have to find a way to end it. I don't know how, I just know it will need to happen soon. Very soon.
I need to get out of this place. Away. Far away. To a place where noone knows me. Where I can have a fresh start. A new life. Hopefully a better life.
Though I know all the thoughts and feeling will follow me, so whats the point? Will it even do me any good? Will it help at all? Would I manage to get new friends? A new life? A fresh start. Maybe.
I'm hearing the voices again. Talking about you. I don't know who you are, but you're in my head. You're everywhere I look. I cannot see your face, nor your body. You're just a shadow in the dark. Theres a light. A white light. Maybe it's a good thing? Maybe it's a trap. Another dark hole for me to fall in. To get even further down in the dirt. 6 feet under. Maybe it would be for the best if I'd just gone away. Forever. Dissapeared. For noone to ever find me again.
What's done is done - I know, but why did it happen in the first place? Why me? Why is it always me? If there really is a God up there, deciding our faiths, he must be really bored not to find another guy to torture. What did I ever do to deserve this?
I'm tired.
Tired of trying to fit in - I never do anyway.
Tired of trying to make others feel good. Who am I go advice when I can't even get my own life on track?
Tired of trying to make myself feel better.
Maybe I'm not ment for this world. Maybe I'm supposed to be another place. Another time. Another world.
Faith is a wierd thing. It can make you feel good, and in a split second, it can bring you to tears. I've cried. Alot. Over the years I've started to learn how to deal with it. I don't cry that much anymore. I just feel sad. All the time.
Whenever I go out, I put on a fake smile, and pretend everything is OK. It's not.
There's a commercial going on TV at the moment, where theres one guy talking to another about random stuff, while his t-shirt is saying: "I don't know anyone with mental problems." The other guys t-shirt sais: "Yes, you do."
Then at the end theres a phonenumber and an URL where you can get tips for talking to people with mental problems. How to start a conversation. Whe signs of problems. Hints of a person being suicidal.
I don't see myself as suicidal. Yet. Though I must admit, I've tried before. More than once. I don't like thinking about that. It's just another dark chapter of my life.
There's a lot of dark chapters in my life. My childhood is forgotten, only glimts of the past get to me sometimes. It scares me. I'm going insane.
The song "Still here" plays. You're not here. I'm alone. I'm cold. I'm lonely. I'm desperate. The voices get stronger. The sounds are becoming words. Yet they are too weak to be recognised.
I'm going to sleep. I'm going to dream. Maybe about a better future. A future that holds ~you~.
Tuesday 7 October 2008
I don't know.
I don't know what to beleave anymore.
You say you love me, but you never answer me, you dont' return my calls or text me back.
You say you wanna be with me, but I don't quite see it.
I don't know whats going on. I don't know if I should go for you, give it a shot. Are you worth it?
You are young, will you just break my heart? Do you even want me at all? To me it doesn't seem that way.
I'm not sure if you want what i want. If you're looking for the same as me.
I'm so unsure about you.
You're my mystery <3
You say you love me, but you never answer me, you dont' return my calls or text me back.
You say you wanna be with me, but I don't quite see it.
I don't know whats going on. I don't know if I should go for you, give it a shot. Are you worth it?
You are young, will you just break my heart? Do you even want me at all? To me it doesn't seem that way.
I'm not sure if you want what i want. If you're looking for the same as me.
I'm so unsure about you.
You're my mystery <3
Please stop.
You're one of the few that I actually care alot for.
Please don't destroy your self like that, if not for yourself, then for me.
I know you think you can handle it, but I've seen it before. In the end, you can't.
By this i mean no disrespect, in no way. But I love you too much to see you ruin your life like that.
I care for you, and I'm here for you. Whatever you go trough, we can do this together.
I love you.
Please don't destroy your self like that, if not for yourself, then for me.
I know you think you can handle it, but I've seen it before. In the end, you can't.
By this i mean no disrespect, in no way. But I love you too much to see you ruin your life like that.
I care for you, and I'm here for you. Whatever you go trough, we can do this together.
I love you.
Lost.
I feel lost. Forgotten. It's like I've never even excisted.
What did I ever do wrong for all of this to happen?
I cannot see how I did this to myself. Was this ment to be?
Are _we_ ment to be?
And even if I did make a wrong turn at some point - why all of this? This is too much for me to handle - alone.
I can't remember much of my childhood. It's supressed memories of bad things. Things I don't want to know ever happened. Things I regret and things I don't.
Glimts of the past come to me sometimes. It strikes me like an axe to my head.
I wish I could just go away. Forever. A new place. Prefferably all by myself. That way I couldn't do anyone any harm but myself. An island, way out of reach of anyone. Alone, just me and mother nature.
What did I ever do wrong for all of this to happen?
I cannot see how I did this to myself. Was this ment to be?
Are _we_ ment to be?
And even if I did make a wrong turn at some point - why all of this? This is too much for me to handle - alone.
I can't remember much of my childhood. It's supressed memories of bad things. Things I don't want to know ever happened. Things I regret and things I don't.
Glimts of the past come to me sometimes. It strikes me like an axe to my head.
I wish I could just go away. Forever. A new place. Prefferably all by myself. That way I couldn't do anyone any harm but myself. An island, way out of reach of anyone. Alone, just me and mother nature.
- < / 3
You make me smile, even when you're not trying.
Just thinking about you, makes me feel all warm and good inside.
You are so beautiful, yet, my past keeps me from beleaving.
It makes me unsecure. It makes me don't even want to try.
Whats the worst that could happen? I could get crushed again...I could get trough that, right?
I'm not so sure. I'm not sure if I could take another shot.
I've been hurt.. Alot. Maybe too much?
Who's out there? Who is making all these decitions? Who is controlling me?
Is there a God? The Christians say everything happens for a reason, and that God has a plan for us all. What's my plan? What good can come out of feeling like this?
I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know how to deal with this anymore.
It's too much. It's going out of line. I will - without a doubt - have another breakdown. I'm sure of it.
Don't know what to do anymore. What to feel. What to think. Who to trust?
People change. People I know, become people I knew. I don't know what to beleave anymore.
Just thinking about you, makes me feel all warm and good inside.
You are so beautiful, yet, my past keeps me from beleaving.
It makes me unsecure. It makes me don't even want to try.
Whats the worst that could happen? I could get crushed again...I could get trough that, right?
I'm not so sure. I'm not sure if I could take another shot.
I've been hurt.. Alot. Maybe too much?
Who's out there? Who is making all these decitions? Who is controlling me?
Is there a God? The Christians say everything happens for a reason, and that God has a plan for us all. What's my plan? What good can come out of feeling like this?
I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know how to deal with this anymore.
It's too much. It's going out of line. I will - without a doubt - have another breakdown. I'm sure of it.
Don't know what to do anymore. What to feel. What to think. Who to trust?
People change. People I know, become people I knew. I don't know what to beleave anymore.
For what it was worth.
I thought I could trust you.
I Couldn't.
I thought you were there for me.
You weren't.
I thought blood was thicker than water.
It aint.
If you think I'll care anymore,
you're wrong
If you think I'll trust you again,
how could I?
If you think I'll ever be the same again,
I won't.
For all that was - is gone.
I Couldn't.
I thought you were there for me.
You weren't.
I thought blood was thicker than water.
It aint.
If you think I'll care anymore,
you're wrong
If you think I'll trust you again,
how could I?
If you think I'll ever be the same again,
I won't.
For all that was - is gone.
Monday 6 October 2008
What if I left?
What if I left you?
What would happen if I'd just packed my stuff -and left?
Would I not have been the same person I am today?
would I feel joy? Would I be happy?
Would I have gotten a better life?
I'm not sure about much. But I do not regret what I've done and my thoughts about you, or anyone else.
For whatever cause, I did what I did, and I'm sure you had your reasons as well. I do not blame you. I were never there for you as I should've been.
I tend to blame myself for the stuff that happened. Sometimes I lay awake at night, just thinking about what could've been.
Did I ever make you happy? I hope you had the time of your life. I hope you enjoyed whatever I did give you. Afterall, I did try my best. There's not any more than that to it.
For whatever reason, I'm sure God has one - we didn't make it.
I hope someday, somehow, someone will make you the best you could ever be.
I'll be OK. I'll manage, I always do.
What would happen if I'd just packed my stuff -and left?
Would I not have been the same person I am today?
would I feel joy? Would I be happy?
Would I have gotten a better life?
I'm not sure about much. But I do not regret what I've done and my thoughts about you, or anyone else.
For whatever cause, I did what I did, and I'm sure you had your reasons as well. I do not blame you. I were never there for you as I should've been.
I tend to blame myself for the stuff that happened. Sometimes I lay awake at night, just thinking about what could've been.
Did I ever make you happy? I hope you had the time of your life. I hope you enjoyed whatever I did give you. Afterall, I did try my best. There's not any more than that to it.
For whatever reason, I'm sure God has one - we didn't make it.
I hope someday, somehow, someone will make you the best you could ever be.
I'll be OK. I'll manage, I always do.
My dearest.
You.
You are my everything.
Without you, the world would stop turning.
It would come to an end...just like me.
The rain keeps falling.
The skies stay dark.
It's cold. Dark. Scary.
I miss you - I really do.
I cannot stop crying, nor stop caring.
You're my everything.
You are my everything.
Without you, the world would stop turning.
It would come to an end...just like me.
The rain keeps falling.
The skies stay dark.
It's cold. Dark. Scary.
I miss you - I really do.
I cannot stop crying, nor stop caring.
You're my everything.
Sunday 5 October 2008
My words for the evening.
I feel abandoned.
I feel like I’m left here to die.
All by my self.
Alone.
I can hear the raindrops falling on the roof.
I can hear him singing:
Would you miss me when I’m gone?
Would you?
Maybe it’s just me.
Maybe I’m the one to blame?
Maybe I should just go away.
Forever.
I feel like I’m left here to die.
All by my self.
Alone.
I can hear the raindrops falling on the roof.
I can hear him singing:
Would you miss me when I’m gone?
Would you?
Maybe it’s just me.
Maybe I’m the one to blame?
Maybe I should just go away.
Forever.
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